As many of your have noticed opening up about my divorce has definitely lead to many questions from readers, family members, friends, the occasional stranger and hell..even my therapist.
This year has been some of the hardest personal moments in my life. I was constantly reflecting, over analyzing ever detail and questioning whether or not if I was making the right decision. It sure as hell was not an easy process, but a process that I think anyone that is going through a divorce experiences.
So, here are a few selected questions that I have received since January….
1. Do you think it’s possible to be friends after a divorce? I would love to say yes, but I believe it honestly depends on the couple. I know that anyone can be decent towards each other, and have a mutual respect for one another, but as far as friends I am not quite sure. If there are children involved, I would say yes, for your children sake…yes. Now I am not saying you have sit on the phone with each other and talk every day, but the line of communication has to be open…especially when it comes to parenting. Adrians and I decided that we wanted to make the process as easy as possible, neither one of us like confrontation of any kind; but we wanted the transformation to be easy for Sophia. Your kids should be your priority married or not. As parents you sometimes have to set your feelings aside for your children’s sake. It might not be easy, but your children will notice it…because believe me they are smart and they notice everything even when you think they don’t.
2. How do you decide on custody? You have to evaluate the situation. The last thing you want to do it uproot your child’s entire life anymore than what you have too. Sometimes you may have to look at the bigger picture, is the child being cared for? Are there drugs involved? etc. Then that’s when you take a different approach to things.
If, everything is “normal,” and the parents are just divorcing for whatever reason, then in my opinion there is nothing wrong with joint custody. No matter the reasoning for divorcing one parent should never use their child a punishment towards the other parent. Don’t deny your children of them seeing their parents, that is so unfair to that child. You are hurting them more than what you think.
3. Do you think you will ever tell us the direct reason for your divorce? Not without talking with Adrian first. This is one thing that I would never do is reveal our reasoning for our divorce without making sure it is okay with that other person. I respect him. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me without talking to me first. I would probably have him read my draft post first to make sure he is comfortable with it. And if he didn’t feel comfortable with me making a post about our direct reason for divorcing then I wouldn’t write one. Sometimes things should be left private.
4. Do you think a couple can reconcile after one cheated? I like to say anything is possible, every couple is different. Just because The Jone’s down the street didn’t make it after one was unfaithful; doesn’t mean you won’t. I believe that it would take a lot of work from both sides to get back on track and to regain that trust. This is definitely a loaded question. Personally speaking, I don’t think I would be willing to work on my marriage if my spouse was unfaithful. When I am in a relationship with someone I should be able to trust them 100%, when I am not with them. I have been cheated on before in the past with boyfriends and it’s not fun. I once took the guy back, and never fully trusted him…even though I wanted too..the trust never fully came back. That relationship ended. There would come a point in a relationship where you will question there whereabouts…if they are late for dinner; were they with that person? etc. It just becomes exhausting.
If you are a couple that wants to try to reconcile your relationship I would say; find yourselves a good therapist. Open yourself to answer every question that the other person may have regardless how uncomfortable it may make you feel. And be 100% honest with them….you have too. Own up to your mistake, be an adult about it and don’t ever make that person ever feel like they deserved this or this is someone their fault. Because no matter what at the end of the day you chose to be unfaithful…your partner wasn’t cheering you on to do it….you made the executive decision to do it. So, own it.
5. What did you find most annoying about divorce? Interesting question, I would say how easy it is to get married and how involved it is to get divorced. I am really cut and dry kind of person on some things….what I found to be annoying was the divorce process…all that damn paper work. Adrian and I settled on our own terms we didn’t go through the court system…so it was easy is some fashion, but nonetheless the gosh darn paperwork was never ending. The idea that a divorce can take months, whereas a marriage can take a few minutes was just mind boggling to me.
6. Do you believe in Prenuptial Agreements? Yes, I do. I don’t think there is anything wrong with them. I mean there is nothing wrong with protecting your own ass to say the least. Marriage is about love, not what is in the bank. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be stable, but never should you marry someone for their money.
7. Do you look at marriage in a more negative way, since yours ended? Hm. At one point back in February this year I was in such a negative spot that I wanted nothing to do with the thought of marriage or even men. I was so terribly negative that the thought of a relationship or marriage was so unappealing…it seemed more like a chore than anything. Now, I am summing everything up as a learning experience. As of right now I am looking forward to what the future holds regardless of a relationship or marriage. It took me a long time to get to this mentality, it took months of mourning my marriage…Adrian…our future we had planned… and countless hours with my therapist. It wasn’t easy by any means, but no I am not negative towards marriage.
8. Was your divorce hard? If you are asking in terms of the emotional side to my divorce was it hard? Yes, it was the worst part. I loved Adrian with all of my heart, and losing someone that you feel that way towards is never easy at all. As far as getting a divorce; my divorce from Adrian was probably easier than most marriages. We didn’t slaughter each other in court..we kept it very private… the line of communication was open. We agreed on our own terms such as child support…custody…and other personal terms. We didn’t want to battle it out in court.
If you have anymore questions that you would like answered please do not hesitate to email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
**I am not a therapist, these questions are solely answered with my own opinions.**