A Very Raw Update


I am not much of a fan of change; most people would describe me as a “creature of habit,” I don’t like going outside my comfort zone, and normally if I find something that I like at a restaurant I stick with it. The last three years of my life has been anything but “normal,” and this year is all about change. So needless to say it has been one heck of a roller coaster ride; and honestly speaking I am just done…spent…whipped out.

Yesterday was more than I could handle. It was an emotional day, and by 5pm I was absolutely exhausted. My ex came up from Tennessee for a scheduled appointment that he had to attend; and to be quite frank I was unsure if he had any intentions of seeing Sophia. He has not asked me how she has been doing weeks and if we spoke on the phone and if I elected to tell him anything his responses were very short. I decided to stop telling him how she was, I stopped sending photographs of her….my thoughts were if he wanted to know how she is doing he could ask, but our phone conversations were never about Sophia. In fact, there wasn’t any phone conversations…just random texts.

Late morning yesterday, I received a text from my ex requesting to see Sophia while he was in Pittsburgh for the day. I was already in a pretty assed off mood to begin with, because what transpired from the day before (Tuesday). He owes me 3100. dollars from taking my child support for two months this past summer; for him and his girlfriend to live off of. The VA put 1600. in my account and my ex demanded that I give it to him, because he needed it to get to Pittsburgh the next day. And like an idiot I did it. I did not want the crap from him and I am tired of him asking me for money. It was literally a no win situation at all.

On a even more personal note: I am playing catch up with my bills for June and July and basically having to pay double on everything, just to get my head above water.

So, our custody agreement is when he has supervised visitation that we do not bring outsiders that are not family to visitation hours. At the time we agreed that it is not fair to Sophia that she meets everyone that we may date. I sent him a text stating that his girlfriend not come, that he has to buy Sophia school clothes since she is going to need them and that he be sober.

Needless to say, I assume his appointment did not go very well, because we ended up in a screaming match over the phone; not one of my proudest moments, but I could not ignore it for the hundredth time. It is draining to always have to play nice and the other party can say and do whatever they want. He threatened to take me to court for custody of Sophia, he could not understand why he is only given two hours a week for visitation and why he could not bring his girlfriend around. No matter what I told him, he did not want to hear anything I had to say; unless it was what he wanted to hear. I even said the 2 hour visitation is not an amount of time I came up with; it’s the states terms. He told me how dare I tell him how to spend his money, and I snapped back with “well you took from your daughter all summer this is the least you can do..don’t you think…”

The conversation got ugly; once he threatened to take me to court for Sophia I lost it, I’m was absolutely done with him threatening me and definitely tired of being his verbal punching bag when life does not go his way. I told him to bring me to court and see what happens, the judge won’t be slaughtering you (what he was afraid of when we started our divorce, that’s why we settled out of court) I will do it myself, I said “if this is the route you want to go..bring it on; you are no longer intimidating me…that ends right now; and so do your threats.” I then told him that I will be at our local mall in one hour so he could see Sophia and not to bring his girlfriend….

What does he do…he brings her, defies the custody order. It was so strange. I circled the mall to see if she was going to be there, because if she was…I was leaving. Then I turned the corner and walk right into them. Just my luck. I hated playing cool. He said “I just want us to get a long,” the truth is…

It’s never about Sophia…ever. It is always about him and what he wants. This was the first time he was going to see her since June and he could not follow our custody arrangement. He does not care about what the law states, it’s only what he wants. The funny part is we agreed on these terms together, they are not anything new and definitely are not surprising.

It is not fair, it just is not. It’s not fair that he comes in and out of Sophia’s life, but I have to make arrangements for when he wants to see her. It’s not fair that I have to follow guidelines and he can he whatever he wants…and its certainly not fair that he can pick up and leave…live wherever he wants too, but if I move out of state I need to petition the court so that he is notified, and he can appeal it…and then a judge can decide whether or not I can move. But most of all this is not fair to Sophia, she is the innocent person in this mess.

He is heading back down to Tennessee…and I am here to deal with the aftermath of him visiting Sophia. It affects her so much when he is in and out of her life; he has no idea what this does to her. I hate it, but I feel like my hands are tied.

This is not the man that I married 3.5 years ago..hell this isn’t the same person I met 6.5 years ago. The man that I married would never have never put his child second to anyone or anything. I don’t know who this person is anymore. It’s sad, because I never thought he would turn out to be like this…not once in a million years. The man that I married was the most kind and loving person you would ever want to know, he could turn your worst day into the best day and he saw beauty in everything and everyone. And he loved with all of his heart and would never intentionally hurt someone or disrespect you. He was truly my best friend in the entire world.

I have not seen that person in such a long time, it saddens me because I am not sure if he exists anymore.  He is not the man I fell in love with and married. He is not the same person anymore and the truth of the matter is; I miss that person. I miss dealing with a kind-hearted person. Even if we did not work out in the end, it should have never changed him and how he treats his daughter.

All I know is that I am going to check on my daughter, kiss her goodnight and be thankful that she is happy and healthy. Definitely going to count my blessings that I get to watch her blossom into a beautiful human being.