When I started this blog a little over a year ago I never thought I would write a post about what would be my divorce from Adrian. I never thought in a million years this is where we would end up. He was truly my best friend for 6 years, and I couldn’t fathom living my life without him, but unfortunately sometimes life has a way of throwing a major curve ball that changes everything.
My intentions aren’t to throw anyone under the bus or get revenge, but I am simply writing about the ugly truth about divorce.
When I met Adrian I was getting out of a very tough relationship, that ended before we actually broke it off. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but when I met Adrian it was a fresh breath of air, he was unlike anyone I have ever been with. He made me feel confident, sexy, appreciated and loved. In the beginning it was the kind of relationship I have always wanted. We were truly the best of friends. I honestly thought this is the guy I am going to grow old with. I was totally smitten by him.
During the course of our marriage, we ran into issue as most couples do. Some issues we tried to resolve head-on, but things never stayed good for too long. It was a constant bumpy road that would continue for a couple of years.
I wish I could tell you being a supportive wife helped, but in the end it didn’t. Nothing helped. No matter how many times we tried to get the help Adrain needed nothing ever worked. I became so consumed with trying to help Adrian and being a first time mom that I started to lose myself. I felt as if I was becoming someone unrecognizable, all of my time and energy was put into both them that in the end I started to feel depleted.
I understand that as a new mom your entire life changes, everyone will tell you that when you’re pregnant, but you don’t fully understand it until you are there in that moment. Your entire life prior to kids is no longer who you are. For some people that is how it is and for others it never happens. That is a hard reality that most people face.
When we had our first fall out March 2015 I was hopeful. I thought we could beat it and live happily ever after…put the past in the past. Little did I know it was only the beginning. It continued to snow ball, and no matter what we did that snowball became bigger and bigger, and didn’t stop growing. It may have stopped for a short period of time, but it always went back. There were many of times in two years that I would be so angry that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I couldn’t, but putting blinders on and pretending there isn’t an issue only creates a bigger one. When life was calm I was always holding my breath for the bottom to fall out, and it did…but I was still hopeful and I loved my husband and I didn’t want to throw the towel in on my family.
Unfortunately there is only so much a person can take, before enough is enough. And it was the toughest decision I ever had to make, the most heartbreaking decision ever.
Telling Adrian I wanted a divorce was the hardest 4 words that I have ever said to anyone. They were words I never planned on ever saying to him, especially since I was still in-love with him. I remember the silence between us, because I know he wasn’t expecting me to say this to him. I wasn’t expecting to say this to him..it wasn’t planned, after everything that transpired after Christmas I felt I had no choice but to leave him.
Over the course of the following weeks into months, they turned out to be some of the darkest days in my life. I experience days that I felt ok then days where all I wanted to do was cry…and that’s why I did. I would take care of Sophia, and that’s it. I didn’t go anywhere..do anything…my mom would force me to go to Sams Club with her just to get me out of the house on the weekends.
I blamed myself entirely for everything. I questioned everything..was I a good wife? Did I do something wrong? Maybe if I listened better we wouldn’t be here? Did he loose interest in me? Maybe if I dressed sexier…maybe that would have helped? Was I too strict ? Was wasn’t I good enough for him to stop? Why?
There came a point where I was just existing. I stopped caring about blogging, I stopped caring about anything that I liked to do. Like I said I just took care of Sophia and stayed in the house. My self-esteem was completely shot, I felt worthless and undesirable. Adrian didn’t fight for us in the end. I thought after 6 years of being with him he would have fought for us. It wasn’t how the movies portray it…..couple breaks up…man realizes he can’t live without them…chases after her…and they live happily ever after. It’s not like that my dear friends…it doesn’t always end like that. It didn’t for Sophia and I.
What really woke me up was when my mom came home from work one day, Sophia goes over to my mom and says “Nana, mommy cries a lot.” At that point I knew things had to change, and I took a friends advice and started therapy. I remember being so mad in the beginning of my therapy sessions because I was paying sixty dollars a week to sit and cry in doctors office for an hour. I paying to cry in front of someone to only ask me how are you feeling? I hated it, but a couple sessions in, I actually looked forward to going. At the end of my sessions I felt lighter and a tad bit happier. Even if that happiness only lasted a short period of time, it gave me enough insight to realize that you will feel happy again. It will take time, but it’s not lost forever. Another aspect of therapy is; I loved the idea of talking to someone that was neutral party and get their perspective on things. It was such a blessing in disguise, it didn’t make things easier in the way of “I’m totally over everything,” but it made me look at things in a different light. One of the best pieces of advice she gave me was to be mindful…be present. If you have feelings of sadness or you need to cry…cry, allow those emotions to come out. Take notice of these emotions and then refocus yourself to something positive. Sophia is my something positive, she shed light on the darkest of days, made me believe again and helps me move forward even on days when it seems impossible.
** I will write a post later on therapy it will give you a better insight on things**
It’s been five months and moving on isn’t the easiest thing to do. I will still catch myself thinking of Adrian, which I think is only natural to do. There are days were it still bothers me that the future we planned together will never take place. Our love for each other is stuck in time, and always will be.
Many people ask me if I still love him…I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t still love him. He is the father of Sophia so there will always be that kind of connection between us, but my life has to move on. I can’t wait around for him to choose us first, because it will never happen. I’ve spend a total of three years trying to help someone, but never got anywhere.
I still have a lot of answered questions I would love to ask him, but would the raw truth really help? Sometimes I want to know and other times not so much. I received a ton of questions from family members…friends and even some emails I have received from readers such as:
1.) What do you have planned for your future? And your blog?
2.) Are you dating anyone? If so, how will that impact Sophia?
3.) How do you stay calm during a divorce?
- I don’t have anything set in stone for the future. I do want to get a part-time job, I am dying to get back out there. Just meet people and kind of start over. It’s been so long since I have thought about my own future that it can be honestly overwhelming and scary, but I just take it one day at a time. Everything will fall into place the way it’s supposed to. My blog..I do have some fresh ideas up my sleeve that I would like to happen within the next month or so. It’s just going to take sometime to get everything all figured out, but when it happens it will be worth the wait. It has to do with self-love and I also need to rewrite my “about section.”
- I am currently not dating anyone. I have no intentions on dating anyone for a while. Hell, I am not even legally divorced yet. I want to have a clean slate before that happens. Nothing is worse than being someones rebound, it’s not fair to that person. Especially if you still have feelings for your ex. My dating experience won’t impact Sophia at all. She won’t even know I am dating or talking to anyone. That part of my life is completely separate from my life as a mother. I’m sure the next person I date isn’t going to be the one I marry, I know there are going to be a few frogs in between..and I am totally ok with that. But she won’t meet someone until I feel comfortable with it and there is potential in that relationship. If that person I am in a relationship with can’t understand that, then that is their problem and I will move on. Sophia is the most important person in the world to me. That’s the way it will always be and should be. Nothing comes before Sophia.
- This was probably the most hardest question to answer. I honestly think it depends on the couple getting divorced. Adrian and I both agreed we want to keep this as smooth as possible for Sophia’s sake. Neither one of us enjoy confrontation. So, I think regardless of why you are getting divorced you both need to set your own feelings aside of your children. Think what is best for them. Adrian and I got into some heated arguments along the way, but afterwords we apologized and said “things got out of hand and I’m sorry,” and move on. Just try to talk to each other with respect, be open with them and honest. It will make the process a tad easier. I know it’s easier said than done, because you’re hurt and angry, but making a situation worse isn’t going to make things easier.
Divorce is messy, divorce is heart-breaking, divorce is letting go of a future that you thought you would have with that person. No matter how much you love someone..sometimes love does not conquer all. Sometimes that love is only supposed to last for a certain period of time to help us move onto something better. Or teach us a lesson as hard as it might be to go through.
Love is just love, but at the end of day sometimes love isn’t enough to last a lifetime.