I have kept what was going on in my personal life quiet for so many months, because I was unsure how I honestly felt or how would explain anything. It has not been easy by any means, but I feel the hardest thing to overcome is moving on and letting go.
I can’t tell you which one hurts worse…moving on or letting go. Moving on to me is the ability to let go of the past and work towards your future without that other person. Letting go is allowing yourself to be okay with the past, and let go of what plans you had for the future with that person. Make sense?
Through the months I have really struggled with these two, because this was supposed to be “our year.” Everything was going great, we had plans. We planned to get a new apartment, we planned on our first family vacation…and the big one…we wanted another baby when Sophia was around 4. I finally felt in a long time that we were heading in the right direction…and we were. Then suddenly those plans are stuck in the past and the future is…well…unknown. For me it is at least.
Some days I feel like I have moved on and other days not so much. It hurts like hell to think of the good times and think of what we planned, knowing it will never be like how it was… nor will our plans ever happen.
Part of me is still standing in that apartment on December 26 wishing that, that night never happened. I wish I walked through the front door that night to see Adrian standing there to help me with my bags…and greet me with a hug and kiss. But that never happened. Instead I am standing in a dark living room looking out the window with tears running down my face…thinking and knowing things will never be the same from this point on. I am still stuck there…I go back to that night constantly and remembering every emotion I’ve felt. It was one of the scariest moments of my life. As much as I want to forget it, I can’t.
There are times I wake up in the morning with an instant pit in my stomach thinking how is this my life? How did I end up here? This was so not the plan…so not ideal. When I married Adrian I vowed…better or for worse…richer or poorer..sickness and in health for as long as we live. I pulled the plug on our marriage…I ultimately pulled the plug on our marriage. Would we be here if I didn’t mutter the words I want a divorce to Adrian…I don’t know.
How many times in life can you think back to a particular moment and think that’s when everything changed? I can, because mine and Sophia’s life was never same the day after December 26th. My only choice and obstacle is to move on and let go, no matter how much it hurts and no matter how much it seems impossible. It is something that needs to be done for myself and Sophia.
My main focus is to create a better future for my daughter and I. Nothing is set is stone, but I am doing the best with what I have. I don’t know what the future holds and that is scary. Sophia and I will get through this, and we will move on. One day at a time…one foot in front of another….and keep truckin’ along.
It’s going to take sometime, but it will happen.
So for right now when Sophia is in bed you’ll find me drinking a glass of wine and watching reruns of One Tree Hill on Netflix.
E.E. Cummings wrote “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.”