When I decided it was time to get out of my marriage, I didn’t realize what kind of impact was it going to have on myself..or even Sophia. It has been a really rough couple of years, I hid it from many people. Only a few select people actually knew what kind of a mess my personal life was in.
I am not going to sugar coat it..it was some of the hardest times of my life, that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. I know I keep saying that it was “hardest times of my life,” because it was. I felt that no matter what road I took, I always ended right back to where I started. It was an endless road of obstacles, that really started to take a toll on me, but I put myself on the back burner for years and focused on what was at hand.
After I told Adrian I wanted a divorce, I didn’t know what to expect from myself. How was I going to react? Was I going to be okay? Was I going to shut myself out from the world around me? And that is exactly what I did. My personal reaction to my divorce honestly didn’t hit me for about a week, the pure shock of a divorce didn’t hit home. Why you may ask, because you loved him? Yes, I loved my husband with all my heart and soul and when I married him I gave him my heart. The cold honestly of it was, he scared me so badly that I didn’t feel safe. The one person that I loved for years suddenly became someone I didn’t know. So, if I could hide away in my house and disappear I would. Once the feeling of being scared subsides, you are left with the raw emotions to follow. And it completely hit home and hard.
Everyday Sophia was taken care of and when she was playing with her toys, I would literally sit on the couch and watch the snow just fall. I didn’t do anything. A box of kleenex became my best friend and I completely shut myself off from the world. I hardly saw friends, did anything, went anywhere. My mom would make me go out with her on the weekends to run errands, if it wasn’t for that I hardly left the house. Unless I needed too. The ugly truth is, I wasn’t very pleasant to be around. I felt like a failure and I absolutely blamed myself constantly. Thinking of ways I could have done something differently. I made everything my fault and in my mind Adrian was the victim of my cruel words “I want a divorce.” I felt worthless, scared and very alone. There were many times that I didn’t even get out of bed…Sophia and I ate in my bed (typically we don’t)…she played in my room and I just watched her. The first two months I hardly slept, I would lay in bed just staring my the ceiling, and if I did…it wasn’t long. I tossed and turned all night long. Mornings felt like a hang over, except there wasn’t a fun night to blame. I was in my own hell. Over time I learned my favorite place to cry was in the shower, because I didn’t have to explain for the hundredth time why I was crying. If no one heard you, then I must be feeling better…right?
I was slowly hitting rock bottom and not even noticing it. It took Sophia to tell my mom one day when she came home from work that “mommy cries a lot.”
Right then and there I knew I needed help.
After taking a friends advice and getting therapy, I honestly didn’t think it was going to help. I dreaded my first session. How am I supposed to open up to a complete stranger? It isn’t going to help anymore than talking to a friend over coffee or to a parent. I was very adamant that it was going to be a wasted sixty dollars down the drain and and hour of my life that I wasn’t going to get back.
The possibility of feeling better seemed unattainable.
My first session I remember as if it was yesterday, I wore all black, hair in a messy bun, glasses on…I looked a wreck, but I was at the point that I didn’t care if the president himself walked in…this is how I am going to look. Everyone else can kiss my ass. I was very bitter, and it showed. I walked into this little room unaware of how I was going to react, I sat down and the first question she asked me was “how are you?” That was it, I totally lost it. I cried like a baby…hard..sobbing to the point I used all her kleenex. My answer was to her question “No good,” I was so emotional that I could hardly catch my breath. Over the course of a few sessions that is how they went…I cried…used her kleenex all up…and slowly I was opening up. Very slowly.
I still didn’t feel back to “normal.” Opening yourself up to a complete stranger is some of the hardest things to do. You are telling them your deepest darkest secrets, you are leaving yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger. It’s like falling down scraping your knee…leaving the flesh underneath exposed…it hurts and stings all at the same time, but overtime that wound slowly starts to heal. You have to be willing to admit there is an issue in order for therapy to work. At least that is what I think.
Over time I was finding myself starting to feel a little lighter; it didn’t happen overnight, as I hoped it would have. It probably took about a good two months to really start feeling a difference. I was leaving my sessions feeling lighter..not bogged down by emotions that would get the best of me. I was starting to feel hope again.
I remember my first session when I didn’t cry. I never thought that it was going to happen, because that’s all I did for months. I can’t tell you what I talked about because I honestly don’t remember…but I do remember thinking “wow I was able to talk about that without crying.” At that point I was then leaving my sessions happy. Even if that happiness only lasted for a few minutes it gave me hope that there is happiness at the end of this tunnel…and it is okay to feel happiness. It’s okay to laugh and it’s okay to be happy. I can’t stress that enough…IT’S OKAY TO BE HAPPY!
The best piece of advice I received during my therapy sessions were to be mindful…mindfulness. Concentrate on what is important to you..be present in the moment. That was a little harder to do, than what I initially thought, because my mind was so consumed with the divorce…Adrian…that I just seemed to instantly think about the negative. I had to retrain my brain to think and notice the positive aspects in my life. The big one was Sophia, this little girl has helped me more than I could ever explain. She is the just a pure joy to be around and I wouldn’t want to miss out on her. She saved me, she doesn’t know it, but she’s my angel…my inspiration. When trying to be mindful one thing is don’t ignore the negative feelings of sadness or the feeling of a good cry. If you need to cry…gosh ‘darnit’ freakin cry…acknowledge those feelings for what they are then refocus yourself. Be present. There were days when being mindful was easier said than done, but if you practice it…it will happy naturally. You’ll find yourself looking at the positive in your life more rather than the negative. Even to this day I can still struggle with being mindful, but the more I refocus myself the easier it is becoming to be mindful.
If you are curious if I am still in therapy…I am…and I love it. Throughout my therapy sessions I found some other personal aspects that I want to work on. I haven’t focused on myself in years that I felt totally lost with who I am. I remember during a session my therapist asked me “who are you? Besides being Sophia’s mom and Adrians wife?” I looked her straight in the eyes and replied “I don’t know, I’m blank….I’m lost and have been for quite sometime, I don’t know who I am anymore beyond being Sophia’s mom and Adrians wife.” This is something that I am struggling with everyday, it’s hard…not easy…but when it happens I will be complete.
I simply wrote this post for a couple of reasons; one was to share my story that it may help someone or even inspire someone to get help. There are millions of people on this earth, you are not alone. You can get help but you need to make that decision for yourself, and no one else. If you know someone that is getting out a rough relationship male or female, please encourage the extra help of a therapist. There is nothing to be embarrassed over, it will help. Sometimes all you need is someone of a neutral party to listen to you. You have the divine right to be happy and to lead a happy life and that starts with you. Only you can make yourself happy.
I listened to a ton of Carrie Underwood and there are two lyrics that stuck in my mind was :
Take it from my hands
‘Cause I can’t do this on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
And save me from this road I’m on
Jesus, take the wheel
Starts with Goodby – Carrie Underwood
I guess it’s gonna have to hurt,
I guess I’m gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I’ve loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it’s gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It’s sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Hope and happiness are never lost, they maybe forgotten but you can always regain that back. When you are your lowest and dealing with the darkest of days please remember that at the end of the tunnel there is light. It’s going to take some work, but in the end you’ll get there.
I am living proof.
**If you need to talk, please feel fee to email me at Sarah.Bellalife@gmail.com…You’re not alone**