A Bittersweet Day

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Today is a very bittersweet day. Not only am I sick with a wicked summer cold; thanks to allergies, but today my divorce is final.

Before he left to make a new life in another state; he stopped by…signed the paperwork and left.

I am heart-broken; not for myself but for Sophia. It saddens me that just three years ago my life was so different. I was completely head-over-heels in love, expecting our first baby. And never have I ever thought I would marry someone that would turn out to be such a disappointment as a husband and father. Not once.

Without hesitation he left today. He left his little girl without hesitation. I sat back watched and cried not knowing how he could just drive away after he signed the final divorce papers. I instantly thought of the movie Hope Floats when Sandra Bullock husband drives away when their little girl is begging and crying for him to take her along.

I watched him pull out of my street for probably the very last time ever. Over the last three years I have watched him leave more times than I ever wanted too or thought that he would. I have watched in the rearview mirror as distance came between us after I dropped him off at a greyhound station for him to move back down to NC; without any indication that he would be returning. I have watched him leave when he decided to go home after spending an hour of time with Sophia. I watched him leave a parking lot after he told me he loved me, but went home to his new girlfriend. I have watched him turn his back a way away as Sophia would cry and reach for him. Watching his leave is more promising than him staying.

Not once, did I think he would put a new girlfriend in front of his own flesh and blood.  This is not the man I married. Absolutely not. The man I married was kind, loving, just an all around great guy. He wasn’t supposed to be a cliche…a statistic…he wasn’t supposed to be my worst fear as a father for Sophia. Someone that could just leave her, without wanting to know her and develop a better relationship with her.

I do not hate him, but I am bitter with him. I am so very bitter with him. I hate the fact I fought hard for someone for 3 years; all for him to leave without any hesitation.

I can’t fathom the idea of not bring around Sophia. Not watch the little girl, grow up and become a young woman. Disappearing is not an option for me; because I will never walk away from her. What hurts even more are the excuses and lies I have to feed Sophia when she asks where he daddy is? Or, if she sees photo of him and asks can I see my daddy? It’s heartbreaking. I hate lying to her to save her the hurt. She should never know what it’s like to be second to anyone or anything. Or just be a matter of convenience.

Love doesn’t walk away. It just doesn’t.

In the end; what what truly matters is that I have my little girl. When she grows up I will be able to hold my head up high and know that I did the very best by her that I could. She will grow up to be an amazing person and she will never ever question my love or if she is good enough. I hope at the end of the day you can sleep well at night knowing that you walked away from the most precious person in the world. I hope it was all worth it.

Because unlike you I am going to put her first.

Kelly Clarkson Piece by Piece

** This post is all over the place with emotion. Please excuse it not being nice and ‘flowy,’ this is raw emotion. **