A Bittersweet Day

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Today is a very bittersweet day. Not only am I sick with a wicked summer cold; thanks to allergies, but today my divorce is final.

Before he left to make a new life in another state; he stopped by…signed the paperwork and left.

I am heart-broken; not for myself but for Sophia. It saddens me that just three years ago my life was so different. I was completely head-over-heels in love, expecting our first baby. And never have I ever thought I would marry someone that would turn out to be such a disappointment as a husband and father. Not once.

Without hesitation he left today. He left his little girl without hesitation. I sat back watched and cried not knowing how he could just drive away after he signed the final divorce papers. I instantly thought of the movie Hope Floats when Sandra Bullock husband drives away when their little girl is begging and crying for him to take her along.

I watched him pull out of my street for probably the very last time ever. Over the last three years I have watched him leave more times than I ever wanted too or thought that he would. I have watched in the rearview mirror as distance came between us after I dropped him off at a greyhound station for him to move back down to NC; without any indication that he would be returning. I have watched him leave when he decided to go home after spending an hour of time with Sophia. I watched him leave a parking lot after he told me he loved me, but went home to his new girlfriend. I have watched him turn his back a way away as Sophia would cry and reach for him. Watching his leave is more promising than him staying.

Not once, did I think he would put a new girlfriend in front of his own flesh and blood.  This is not the man I married. Absolutely not. The man I married was kind, loving, just an all around great guy. He wasn’t supposed to be a cliche…a statistic…he wasn’t supposed to be my worst fear as a father for Sophia. Someone that could just leave her, without wanting to know her and develop a better relationship with her.

I do not hate him, but I am bitter with him. I am so very bitter with him. I hate the fact I fought hard for someone for 3 years; all for him to leave without any hesitation.

I can’t fathom the idea of not bring around Sophia. Not watch the little girl, grow up and become a young woman. Disappearing is not an option for me; because I will never walk away from her. What hurts even more are the excuses and lies I have to feed Sophia when she asks where he daddy is? Or, if she sees photo of him and asks can I see my daddy? It’s heartbreaking. I hate lying to her to save her the hurt. She should never know what it’s like to be second to anyone or anything. Or just be a matter of convenience.

Love doesn’t walk away. It just doesn’t.

In the end; what what truly matters is that I have my little girl. When she grows up I will be able to hold my head up high and know that I did the very best by her that I could. She will grow up to be an amazing person and she will never ever question my love or if she is good enough. I hope at the end of the day you can sleep well at night knowing that you walked away from the most precious person in the world. I hope it was all worth it.

Because unlike you I am going to put her first.

Kelly Clarkson Piece by Piece

** This post is all over the place with emotion. Please excuse it not being nice and ‘flowy,’ this is raw emotion. **

 

3 thoughts on “A Bittersweet Day

  1. sarahnicole523 says:

    My darling daughter, my heart has been broken again by another “Father.” It’s broken for Sophia and you…..for the lies, what you will swallow, hurt, angry, disappointment and rejection to keep Sophia whole. That’s what being a good parent is..is sacrificing themselves. Sophia couldn’t ask for a better Mama. Someday when Sophia is much older she’ll know the trurh….you cannot hide the light from under a bushel. She will then know all that you have spared her from and love you more than ever. You will marry again he will be a husband to you, best friend, lover, life partner and Father to Sophia. It doesn’t take blood to be a parent. Remember my darling daughter… I’ll stand by you. Mike and I will always be there for you and Sophia. We will love you both for all eternity.

    Love always,

    MAMA

    Like

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