As many as you may know…my marriage crashed and burned the day after Christmas last year; so needless to say it was a really bumpy year. Over the course of the year I went through some really challenging stages that were not the easiest, but looking back now I believe that it was the only way to get through my divorce and move on.
When I married my ex-husband I honestly thought we were going to be together forever, as it should be when you are marrying someone. If you are thinking about the possibility of divorcing that person while walking down the isle…DON’T DO IT. The beginning of the year I was in my own kind of hell, because everything that I have fought for crashed, burned and blew up in my face for the hundredth time. If you are wondering, I was the one the told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce. It was not easy, as most break ups are not especially if you still love them while breaking up with them.
Listen isn’t about my divorce this is about helping you move on from a breakup and here are some things that helped me along the way:
1. Mourn It- Allow yourself to mourn the loss of your relationship, even if you are the one that ended it. It still hurts. I was with my ex-husand for a total of 6.5 years, he was the first guy that I truly loved with all my heart. I remember some nights I would pray to God that this was a bad dream and I would wake up and everything would be normal, but it never happened. The reality of my marriage ending was what I had to come to terms with and learn how to move on without him. So a box of kleenex was my best friend for months. I remember there were days that I wish I had that “F it,” attitude, and honestly speaking it took quite sometime to get to that point. Everyone is different, we are react to different situations differently and that is perfectly fine.
Practice Being Mindful Being mindful is recognizing your emotions for what they are and then refocusing you emotions onto something positive in present time. I remember when I wouldn’t recognize my emotions and ignore them thinking it would be better that way. My gosh was I wrong. If you feel like you need to cry…then cry, but then refocus yourself onto something positive; for me it was Sophia. She is my something positive, no matter how I was feeling she always managed to put a smile on my face. Being mindful did not happen for me over night like I wish it did. I was retraining my brain to focus on the positive aspects in my life during some of the darkest times of my life. Being mindful will happen if you practice it, it might not be easy in the beginning but over time you will notice that no matter what kind of negativity you have going on in your life, you are able to still find some positive aspects.
Don’t Do It Now this section is more broad. When I mean by don’t do it..don’t sit there and listen to love songs…don’t flip through the old photos of you two being together…don’t reread old text messages…and don’t have break up sex. I am guilty of some of these “do nots”. I remember I would lay in my bed and browse through our wedding photos and watch old videos. The worst for me was reading the text messages he sent me a week before everything went down. I am not really love song kind of person, but when they came on the radio they really bothered me. It took months for me to even listen to one. Why torture yourself even more? Especially when you have control over it. Break up sex? That is not my style. The state of mind I was in at the time I did not want to confuse myself or confuse the other person thinking that we had a chance when there was not a chance to rekindle our relationship. I just personally think break-up sex is not the brightest idea out there, but if is something that you are comfortable with…then go for it!
Get Out Get out of the damn house; get some sunshine. There were days when I didn’t leave my house for several days, and at that time I didn’t noticed how big of an impact it had on me. Go grab a coffee with a friend, go for a hike, go to the gym…do something to get your blood flowing and increase your endorphins..just do something. Start doing stuff for yourself that makes you look forward to something in the future in a positive way; plan a girls trip, learn a new skill or get a manicure or pedicure (my guilty pleasure). I personally did not have the desire to do much until I was about two to three months into my divorce. I was slowly starting to crave being around other people, and all of a sudden I was creating a new life.
Be Kind To Yourself Don’t listen to people telling your to “get over it,” screw that. You can’t control how you feel or how deeply you may feel. Breakups don’t come with a set of rules on how long your mourning process is. There just isn’t. You will get over it on your own time…plain and simple. If someone can’t understand it, then that’s their own problem. At the end of the day just be kind to yourself.
Listen I get it…break-ups are not easy nor are they fun by any means. Unfortunately it is something that we all go through at some point in our lives. Take it one day at a time and everything will be ok…I promise.
**I am not a therapist, all advise is solely based upon experience and personal opinions**